I'll Never Write a Novel

The Memoir of a Personal Essayist OR Confessions of a Theatre Widow

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Ick... Spiders

I saw a spider in the downstairs bathroom yesterday. It was smoking a cigar and called me names. It was angry that I dared to enter the bathroom.

It was huge. It was the Shaquille O'Neal, nay, the Andre the Giant, of spiders. I half expected it to say, "Anybody want a peanut?"

Pictures speak a thousand words, and blog readers like them, but I was afraid that if I went to get a camera that I might come back and it would be gone. And, if it were gone I would know it was on the move. Then I would be stuck picturing it wearing my PJ's and getting into my bed for the night. I think it would try to read my Stephen Colbert book but might think again as it's hardcover and heavy. Everyone has fears.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Big Time

I've been watching a lot of CNBC and 24-hour news cycle-ish channels lately. It's not my choice, it's just what's on. In any case, they are constantly talking about "Big Oil," along with the other "Biggies" on the horizon that are changing the landscape of energy (Big Soy, Big Corn). I was thinking what 'Bigs' I am supporting toward world domination. And I think I may have stumbled on one.

Have you ever been to a Catholic church? As a dedicated Catholic (Jim Gaffigan might even say Shiite Catholic), I know that no matter what church you attend anywhere in the USA you can count on a few things. One of those things: coffee and donuts after Mass. Always. Now I don't drink the coffee (it's swill), but I love to partake in the donuts. I support Big Donut. I am beholden to Big Donut. East Coast, West Coast, Mid-West: Big Donut.

I know a lot of Protestant churches fall in line with Big Pastry, too. With the Scandinavian heritage of so many Lutheran churches, I suspect we're looking at a Big Danish movement. In any case, I just picture the overlords of the baking industry demanding more, more, more sweet, tasty goodness. There might be hand wringing and a maniacal laugh.

So, now I own my part in the "fattening of America." I don't think I can change my ways. If they have coffee and donuts in the social hall after any Mass, I am going. But don't ask me to drink the coffee there. I am going to Starbucks.*

*Starbucks only uses 1% of the world's coffee supply. They buy only from proper growing regions and are committed to sustainability practices.