I'll Never Write a Novel

The Memoir of a Personal Essayist OR Confessions of a Theatre Widow

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Power of Prayer

So, things are coming along. I am having a few more good days, and I thank you all so much for your kind words and, especially your prayers, while I have been struggling a bit. And about that prayer, I am working on being more faithful in it, and am working on really giving myself over to it. I know it is powerful. I know it nurtures miracles. And, I know it works. And, it was proven to me more, yet again this week.

While the Dad Guy and I have been plotting all our next moves, I have just decided that God will let us know what to do next. And, He's been doing it. The Guy was going to start driving to New York on Friday (yes, this Friday) and send for me and The Babes when he had a place squared away. This didn't feel quite right in terms of timing, but alas this was our way to keep moving forward.

So, Tuesday morning I prayed my Nine Hail Marys Before Nine. I don't know if this is a broad Catholic tradition, but it certainly is at my house. My mom inquired if you had said yours or not every Tuesday. She was diligent in it, and I am sure she still is +. It is meant to bring good things. In any case, I said them (as I double-dipped for my three Hail Marys for safe travel), and knew God would show me what was next. In a strange turnaround of timing and blessings, we found out at 5 p.m. last night (mere hours later) that my sweet husband booked a national TV commercial (!) that we had essentially written off earlier in the day. This means that he will shoot the commercial NEXT week, and will head to NYC by plane after that. So, we get more money (HOORAY!) for the move and a little more time, which makes the timing feel so right now.

Then, my husband started talking about how blessed he's been in his career, particularly in the last year since we've had Little G. In fact, it's been especially fruitful during this calendar year. Then, I thought of my sweet, wonderful mom, working her magic and hearing my prayers since January. She always asked, "What do you need?" and now she's hearing and helping answer. Prayer is a truly powerful thing and God puts no distance between the spiritual and the earthly. We just have to ask. Thank you, God-- and thank you, Mom. I need you and there you are.

So, for my Mom, here is the Hail Mary, in case you are curious. Maybe you already know it. If you say Nine Hail Marys Before Nine on Tuesdays you will receive a special gift or blessing in the coming days. I assure you it works. Jesus' mom and mine have a lot in common and they are both truly faithful. So, in honor of them both:

Hail Mary, Full of Grace
The Lord is With Thee
Blessed Art Thou Among Women
And Blessed is the Fruit of Thy Womb

Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for Us Sinners Now
And at the Hour of Death

And, we always say three before we go on any trip. You can follow the three with this...

Our Lady Queen of the Highways and Skyways, Please See All of My Family and Loved Ones Safely to Their Destinations and Home Again This Day.

I don't know how many of you find prayer a big thing, but thanks to all of you for taking a ride on my theological journey.

Friday, August 08, 2008


So, everybody, I am down in the dumps.

No one wants to hear somebody whining on a blog: blah, blah, blah. But that's where I am. Feel free to go read elsewhere, if you'd like. I keep thinking of really funny things to write, I promise, but I just can't seem to make any ideas manifest on the 'net. Some day soon. I finally got it together to write today and I just thought I would let you know that I am just a bit sad.

I think people who haven't experience this kind of loss, like I am going through with my mom, have a hard time understanding. I know I wouldn't have really gotten it before. I wish I could rewind and be better to people around me who suffered this way. But, I just have to vow to be better going forward. There is no such thing as a rewind button.

But, I feel like I have to stop myself from saying my undesirable mantra ever day-- many, many times a day: "I miss my Mom." I limit the amount of times I say it out loud. I am especially conscious of saying it to my husband who must tire of my ongoing sadness. It's just there in my head so often.

It's not that I am sad all the time. I am really not. I have some very happy moments. But it's there, so frequently, gnawing at me, "I miss my Mom." Being surrounded by her family last week while we were at my cousin's wedding was both comforting and heartbreaking. It was nice to be reminded of my mom in so many lovely ways. It was also so hard to be reminded of this gaping hole.

One thing I really noticed is how differently we are all dealing with this same loss. For my dad, my siblings and me, we grieve and celebrate my mom every day. We're always talking about her and we are finding her missing in all the little things in our every day lives. We spoke about her constantly around her siblings, nephews and nieces, and realized quickly that this hasn't been a part of their grieving. It's no better or worse, to be sure. It's just different. They lived 3,000 miles away for decades and miss the regular, but not daily, phone calls. They didn't see her all the time. This wedding was the event they anticipated seeing her at next. And she was gone. And we're all so sad. But it was evident that they were so stricken by our talking about her. They don't live in this sphere of grieving, I guess. It's therapeutic and natural for me. But I think it may have been really difficult, almost unbearable.

I was so honored to say the Prayers of the Faithful at my beautiful cousin's gorgeous wedding (more details to come in a future post!). And I got to say that the Mass was dedicated to my wonderful mom. I looked up to see crying faces. I reminded myself to keep it together. But, I can't always make that reminder, and I feel like, more often, that I am the face in the crowd crying.