I'll Never Write a Novel

The Memoir of a Personal Essayist OR Confessions of a Theatre Widow

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Spitzer Swallows

Happy Valentine's Day, Everybody!

No, I haven't lost it. Yet. I know that we are long past Valentine's Day. But it's sort of been in the news as of late, so I thought I would address it, even if we've added a few days to the calendar.

It's been in the news via an unlikely source, Eliot Spitzer. Yes, that Eliot Spitzer. Yeah, some Valentine, right?

Well, it turns out that his infamous tryst as Client #9 was on February 13-- Valentine's Eve. Yucky Pucky. This means that he presumably left DC and headed North on the 14th to spend the holiday of love with his wife and the mother of his children. Again, yuck.

Is there anything that Mr. Spitzer could have done on February 14 that would have made it a good holiday? Anything that would have made up for the $4500 travesty of the night before? Try as he may, try as he might, we all know that there is NOTHING he could get her to make up for his action. What his wife really wants is to trust her husband again. You can't buy that at Tiffany. The only things he buys soothe his own conscience.

What the hell was he thinking? Beyond the ethical and moral ramifications, this guy is a big pile of idiot. Did he think he wouldn't get caught? The guy busting up corruption in NY thinks he gets away with this? What a moron, right? He thought he could illegally move $80,000+ around to pay for hookers and his poor wife, kids and state constituency wouldn't find out. Amazing.

And Valentine's Day eve... His poor wife gets trotted out last week in front of the media, as the February 13 extravaganza plays out: where he was, who she was, how much he paid, his "special" requests. And she's just standing there, stricken. No one asked her where she was on Valentine's Day Eve. What did she get him? What did he get her? I didn't notice any big bling. I suppose anything of note surely would have lost its luster already.

* * * * * *
Even if he gave his wife this gift, it couldn't be enough. He could even throw in a line about how it represents "their journey." What a journey it is now.

But, for fun, let's just say Mr. Spitzer did go all out this Valentine's. Here are some thoughts on what he might have gotten "the Mrs." this year:

A Monthly Delivery Program so she's reminded of him 12 wonderful times a year

Lasting Moments: Creative Memories Scrapbooking Magazine subscription (so she can archive all the good times)

Giant Bear with Roses, (Nothing says love like a big old stuffed animal)

Sandals Jamaica Getaway: For Two People in Love Package

Or This Getaway instead-- it strikes me as more his style

Boudoir Photography Session of Sexy Photos... of Himself!

Personalized Glass Photo Frame: Is this what love looks like? (quite frankly anything from this site looks like a good choice)

That's just a start. And if they do work through this he's going to have a lot of gift-giving to do. Remember Kobe Bryant? I'm having a really hard time getting in this guy's shoes myself. Any Other thoughts on what he might have give?


Blogger Ginormous Boobs said...

A trip back in time would be about the only one that might make a difference at this point.

This guy is gross!

9:58 AM  
Blogger noreen said...

Oooh. Time travel! Great suggestion, GB. He IS really gross, right?

11:57 AM  
Blogger Cary said...

His wife should not only divorce him, but demand back pay of $4500 per boff during the course of their pathetic marriage... in addition to half of everything.

8:29 PM  

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