I'll Never Write a Novel

The Memoir of a Personal Essayist OR Confessions of a Theatre Widow

Monday, August 28, 2006

I Can't Help Myself

I thought seriously yesterday, while watching the Emmy awards, about how I would love to get a Master's degree in popular culture. I know a lot about it, I study it already, and then maybe I could put this knowledge to good use. I really analyzed the changes in how TV is developed and the people making it. I theorized about the evolution of TV created to be magical by people to whom the medium was "new," versus the much more jaded nature of "knowing" TV that is created now. And then, I thought I would blog on the way people dressed for their big night. I am caddy. I freely admit it.

Presenting the list of the Worst Dressed at the 2006 Emmys:

Candice Bergen. C’mon, if this isn’t the mullet of formalwear: Business on the top, party on the bottom. She can’t figure out if she’s going to a shareholders meeting or an inaugural ball.

Debra Messing: She’s pretty, don’t get me wrong. But if you spent the last two seasons on TV battling baby weight, I might not advise all ruffles on the bottom of your dress. And, this is a very thin woman—who appeared to have back fat. Let me be clear, I don’t think she actually has back tatties, so she shouldn’t ever appear to.

Eva Longoria: She looks weird, right? I can’t tell if he skin’s too fake tanned (like she needs that) or if her hair’s too blonde, but this isn’t working. And this is a woman with about the hottest bod in Hollywood, so why does she look like she trying to cover figure flaws. This isn’t demure, it’s poorly cut.Joan Collins: When all the “Angels” came out, I thought it was pretty cool. They have all clearly had work done with varying degrees of success, and yes Farrah looks crazy—and awful—but they followed Joan Collins, so by comparison, they looked natural. It’s like she had a circa ’83 Joan Collins mask and wig on. Too weird, Joan, too weird.

Maria Menounos: If you are working on credibility, Maria, this Munsters’ dress and my (ponytailed) headband from age 14 aren’t going to do it. I know you’ve stepped up to working the "Today Show" recently, but you really haven’t been doing that great at it, so you way want to leave yourself open to some options—and those options shouldn’t include a job at Claire’s Boutique or the New Addams Family.

Ray Liotta: Botox? Really Ray? You are a much better actor than this. How can you plan to continue your using your gift for looking endearing and menacing at the same time with this elective face paralysis?

Lisa Kudrow: I totally wore this dress in my brother’s wedding a few years ago. I loved how flattering it was, and that my sister-in-law chose something so understated that I could wear again. Did you get this at JC Penney, too, Lisa? And, are you planning on wearing it out again next week-- because you totally could.

Stay tuned for a couple "hits" as opposed to these abominable "misses" in the next post. But before I go...

I can’t find a picture on my final commentary, but some pre-show gal on E! won my award for worst-dressed. Her name is Bobbi something and she had on a monstrosity of a dress with an oversized rosary around her neck. It doesn’t strike me that she’s a faithful Catholic with a strong devotion to Mary, either. It was Goth meets, well, something hideous. If you find a photo, take a look and see what I mean. And then, burn that picture.


Blogger Jenny said...

Excellent, Noreen!

Lisa was my favorite. You're funny.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous beth c said...

Yay! I can post now! No more descrimination against non-bloggers. I love your commentary--you're giving those go fug yourself girls a run for their money!

5:40 PM  

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