I'll Never Write a Novel

The Memoir of a Personal Essayist OR Confessions of a Theatre Widow

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Mystical Tans

I just overheard a conversation between my husband and one of his friends that made me laugh. They wondered if Robert Smith, legendary lead singer of The Cure, would in this day and age bend to the accessibility of the tan, or still reject the notion of pigment. Note: for those of you who don't know 'The Cure' go look it up, but the cliff notes version features a very pale lead singer.

The decision reached is that Robert Smith would likely have penned the emo pop hit, "Mystically Tan." Perhaps, somewhere he is actually writing that song. I recently saw Robert Smith on some program and I was stunned that he's still sporting the eyeliner and lipstick. I would not advise a woman of his age to be as gussied-up. It's simply not flattering. Somehow he pulled it off 20 years ago, but he should maybe go with a lighter shade, a simpler glass, something less... chalky.

Quickly on Mystic Tans. For us with the creamy white skin, this whole tan in a bottle, "everyone can have a tan" mentality, really stinks for those of us who want to be proud of our paleness. People used to ask, "Do you tan at all?" Now, they ask, "Do you ever tan? Have you tried spray tanning? I bet that would work for you. What about one of those lotions that make you tan?" They think just because everybody can tan, that everyone should tan. God made some of us this way for a reason, and why can't I just embrace that?

Moreover, have you ever smelled this stuff? It's made of beet extract. Beets. No one really likes beets. And they grow deep in the ground. This is the definition of "earthy." All this fake tan smells like something organic on the verge of going bad. Ick.

As Robert Smith might tell you, this smell may not make you want to be, close to me.


Blogger Mocha said...

Beet extracts? THAT is what it's made of? Oh, gross. Just eat enough beets and maybe that will work. Or not.

I loved The Cure in high school and his makeup never bothered me (he said his wife liked that flavor of lipstick) but now? It's a little strange to see him still sporting it.

Very funny post. I could imagine the hilarious conversation between them.

5:48 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...


Your skin is SO beautiful. You would not look right with a tan. If I had skin like yours, I would probably be one of those ladies that walk around with an unbrella all the time.

And you are SO right. Self tanners smell like ass.

11:28 AM  
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